Scary Night

So last night was pretty scary in our house. We don't have any definitive answers and are kind of in a wait and see pattern for now. Dante started complaining of leg/knee pain yesterday, and woke up in the middle of the night pretty upset and unable to sleep. For some children, this may appear normal (things always seem worse at night) but Dante rarely complains about anything and usually takes his bumps and bruises better than the rest. He also has a healthy fear of hospitals, so when this almost 5 year old begs to go to the hospital at 1am, you take him. To make a long story a little shorter, the doctor examined him, did a bunch of xrays and didn't see anything alarming. HOWEVER, my older brother had Legg Calve Perthese Disease when he was 7, which manifests itself as knee pain alot of times, and usually doesn't show up on initial xrays. SOOOO we are waiting, and hoping that these are just growing pains. But prayers can't hurt!

Wow - it's been a long time baby!

Here I am - it has been a while - I have had so many new things going on, I am back to work full time (for 8 months now), my kids are in school everyday - we are still plugging along at life and then out of the blue yesterday I realized that I don't want to plug along anymore.

I must work - this I realize, and while I have been good about using every extra minute with my family to the best of my ability - I think I have decided that that is not enough. I want to learn to be fully present with my family.

I read a post on one of the blogs I follow (Dig this Check) and realized that I need to learn a few things from all of the brilliant wonderful women around me. From Nici I needed to learn that I need to love my husband the way he needs to be loved, not the way I want to love him. To me, that means that I need to spend a little less time complaining when he needs to indulge his creative side and a little more time encouraging him to do it more often. And though it is a new concept, I practiced last night and I have never seen my wonderful husband more grateful.

I guess I need to learn to practice loving others the same way. My goal is to love each person in my life in the unique way they need to be loved, whether that is encouraging art, snuggling at 3am or spending an extra hour with the "big boy" after his sister has gone to bed.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Horrible

That is how I will describe my first Skype with my babies....I had a good day at the new job training, got to know a couple of the people, was so excited to come home, turned on the computer and waited for the familiar sound of Skype requesting my attention. I was so excited..there on the screen were my two beautiful children being held by my wonderful husband. Then my daughter saw me. She immediatley started to cry and say "up mama" requesting that I pick her up. I faltered and started to cry - then with a gentle reminder from my husband I put on a happy face but nothing seemed to work, what had I done to her - my son would barely talk to me....what had I done to him? We kept the conversation short and I attempted to drown my guilt in a hot bath but here I am pruned and still feeling guilty. Guilt - my cross to bear as a mom. Maybe now I will go to bed.

New Things

I had to write this post quickly this morning - even though I have3 to jump in the shower. I am in Waukegan, IL for training for a new job. My beautiful journey of being a stay at home mom is over and I am back to work, I enjoyed being a SAHM and while I will appreciate the freedom and individuality and financial security that comes with working I will especially miss all day jammie days and hours long snuggles.

As I flew across the country yesterday my heart was breaking. I tried not to be that stranger travelling alone who blubbered the entire flight and kept my tears in but through late flights and long lines at the car rental counter I missed my chance to Skype my babies last night and my heart broke a little more.

Please don't get me wrong, I know this is a great new opportunity for me and while wonderful those new things are often scary and make us stretch who we are to become better. I will become better, this I am sure, however, in the process I will miss my husband and my babies like nobody's business......

Roots and Wings

The two most important things we can give our children. I have spent the last 7 months helping their root systems...holding them close and letting them know who and what they will always need - that their family is their root - we will be strong and hold them when they need it.......soon I will give them wings.

My beautiful journey as a stay at home mom is soon to end. I have been interviewing at a company and I believe it is going well and I will have an offer soon. I have researched and searched and found a daycare that I believe will offer them the best possible environment to learn and grow, to spread their wings.

I am so proud to have been able to spend this time with them, I am so grateful for every month we struggled to pay the mortgage so that I could hold and snuggle them a little longer, I am so grateful for a supportive husband who listened to me complain about money and rave about being home. I belive that these have been some of the most important times of all of our lives.

So, now that you have roots my beautiful children, jump and discover your wings....

Forever

I know it has been forever since I have posted....I guess I feel like I didn't have too much to say. Our lives are happy - we are trying to learn how to make it on less money - and not doing a very good job most of the time. i am looking for something to bring in a little extra money and help make ends meet, but in the meantime we are going to pumpkin patches, playing in leaves, stomping in puddles and loving fall.....breathe in the scent of those fall leaves - they won't last forever.

The 3rd

It has been months since I have posted, not sure anyone reads the posts anyway, but I felt compelled to write. First, I read a post by Kelle, then I felt the urge to purge my feelings into this blog. My first born child, my sweet, sensitive, rough and tumble little boy is going to be 3 on Saturday, and for some reason it just hit me and I am surging with a range of emotions. Sadness - can the little baby that taught me about motherhood and uncompromising love really not be a baby anymore? Pride - this little soul is so kind and caring, always praising a good job, whether it is his sister saying a word for the first time or a man on our neighborhood walk painting a boat. Unexpressable Love - 'nough said, and a little bit of fear - how do I know that what I am doing to mold and shape him is right? How do I sleep assured that he will continue to care about others, to be a responsible steward of this earth ("that box is recycle mom" as I go to throw something away) and know that we love him more than we ever thought possible?

I guess we never know, so this is where faith comes in. His father and I are doing the best job we can to help this little soul reach his full potential, we are trying to love and discipline in proper balance, help and let go in the right proportion. In the end parenting is a guessing game and a calculated risk, let's hope we make the calcuations correctly. I love you little man. You and your sister are my heart.