Horrible

That is how I will describe my first Skype with my babies....I had a good day at the new job training, got to know a couple of the people, was so excited to come home, turned on the computer and waited for the familiar sound of Skype requesting my attention. I was so excited..there on the screen were my two beautiful children being held by my wonderful husband. Then my daughter saw me. She immediatley started to cry and say "up mama" requesting that I pick her up. I faltered and started to cry - then with a gentle reminder from my husband I put on a happy face but nothing seemed to work, what had I done to her - my son would barely talk to me....what had I done to him? We kept the conversation short and I attempted to drown my guilt in a hot bath but here I am pruned and still feeling guilty. Guilt - my cross to bear as a mom. Maybe now I will go to bed.

New Things

I had to write this post quickly this morning - even though I have3 to jump in the shower. I am in Waukegan, IL for training for a new job. My beautiful journey of being a stay at home mom is over and I am back to work, I enjoyed being a SAHM and while I will appreciate the freedom and individuality and financial security that comes with working I will especially miss all day jammie days and hours long snuggles.

As I flew across the country yesterday my heart was breaking. I tried not to be that stranger travelling alone who blubbered the entire flight and kept my tears in but through late flights and long lines at the car rental counter I missed my chance to Skype my babies last night and my heart broke a little more.

Please don't get me wrong, I know this is a great new opportunity for me and while wonderful those new things are often scary and make us stretch who we are to become better. I will become better, this I am sure, however, in the process I will miss my husband and my babies like nobody's business......