Wow - it's been a long time baby!

Here I am - it has been a while - I have had so many new things going on, I am back to work full time (for 8 months now), my kids are in school everyday - we are still plugging along at life and then out of the blue yesterday I realized that I don't want to plug along anymore.

I must work - this I realize, and while I have been good about using every extra minute with my family to the best of my ability - I think I have decided that that is not enough. I want to learn to be fully present with my family.

I read a post on one of the blogs I follow (Dig this Check) and realized that I need to learn a few things from all of the brilliant wonderful women around me. From Nici I needed to learn that I need to love my husband the way he needs to be loved, not the way I want to love him. To me, that means that I need to spend a little less time complaining when he needs to indulge his creative side and a little more time encouraging him to do it more often. And though it is a new concept, I practiced last night and I have never seen my wonderful husband more grateful.

I guess I need to learn to practice loving others the same way. My goal is to love each person in my life in the unique way they need to be loved, whether that is encouraging art, snuggling at 3am or spending an extra hour with the "big boy" after his sister has gone to bed.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Horrible

That is how I will describe my first Skype with my babies....I had a good day at the new job training, got to know a couple of the people, was so excited to come home, turned on the computer and waited for the familiar sound of Skype requesting my attention. I was so excited..there on the screen were my two beautiful children being held by my wonderful husband. Then my daughter saw me. She immediatley started to cry and say "up mama" requesting that I pick her up. I faltered and started to cry - then with a gentle reminder from my husband I put on a happy face but nothing seemed to work, what had I done to her - my son would barely talk to me....what had I done to him? We kept the conversation short and I attempted to drown my guilt in a hot bath but here I am pruned and still feeling guilty. Guilt - my cross to bear as a mom. Maybe now I will go to bed.

New Things

I had to write this post quickly this morning - even though I have3 to jump in the shower. I am in Waukegan, IL for training for a new job. My beautiful journey of being a stay at home mom is over and I am back to work, I enjoyed being a SAHM and while I will appreciate the freedom and individuality and financial security that comes with working I will especially miss all day jammie days and hours long snuggles.

As I flew across the country yesterday my heart was breaking. I tried not to be that stranger travelling alone who blubbered the entire flight and kept my tears in but through late flights and long lines at the car rental counter I missed my chance to Skype my babies last night and my heart broke a little more.

Please don't get me wrong, I know this is a great new opportunity for me and while wonderful those new things are often scary and make us stretch who we are to become better. I will become better, this I am sure, however, in the process I will miss my husband and my babies like nobody's business......